Around Fathers’ Day, the heteronormative masculinity enforcing messages involved in the associated marketing push absolutely drive me up a wall. According to the marketing that bombards us, “Father” seems to be some kind of monolithic hive-minded creature that only likes and does certain Very Manly things, and should only want certain kinds of gifts, and should only do certain kinds of Fathers’ Day activities. And I get angry on behalf of my dad, because I feel like it’s wrong to burden and confine him, and all men for that matter, with the expectation that fathers have to be a mix of Tim the Tool Man, Homer Simpson, and a randomly selected epic role acted by Mel Gibson, or else they don’t count.
The only stereotypically masculine thing I can think of that my dad does for pleasure is landscaping and gardening. (Or is tending a vegetable garden “women’s work”? How about making the world’s best salsa EVER from his homegrown tomatoes and peppers? I can never keep this stuff straight.)
My dad is indifferent about sports.
He’s uncomfortable with violent movies.
He likes really spicy foods, but values flavour over fire.
He likes barbecue, but is quite happy to let somebody else do the grilling.
He tries to make sure he eats enough fruit and veggies even though he’s not a big fan.
He attends church regularly.
He’s never touched a drop of alcohol or smoked a puff of anything. He doesn’t even like coffee.
He’s not outdoorsy. He doesn’t fish, hunt, hike, or camp.
I don’t think he’s ever played golf.
I don’t know if he’s ever thrown a punch.
He has a nice car and keeps it well-maintained, but it’s not his Precious.
I’ve only heard him swear during home renovation projects gone awry. Otherwise he doesn’t even say “damn”.
He feels uncomfortably underdressed in anything more casual than a polo shirt, even for yardwork. He never wears jeans. He thinks a tie is a good gift.
None of the above makes him less of a real man, or inadequate as a father. I’d like to take this moment to send a shout-out to all the men, fathers in particular, who don’t quite fit in the hypermasculine heteronormative box. Here’s to the quiet, shy, and nerdy dads! Here’s to the dads with quirky interests that maybe ten other people share! Sensitive and emotional dads! Gentle and nurturing dads! Artistic dads! Stay-at-home dads! Dads who’d rather get a spa trip than a circular saw! Gay and bi and queer and trans-dads! [Edited to add later:] Here’s to the single parents of any gender, who have do all the functions of both mom and dad, because if they don’t, who will. Here’s to the men who make a point of being a positive role model for the boys in their life, regardless of whether those boys are related to them. [end edit] And yes, traditional manly-man dads, you deserve credit too.
To all dads, I wish a meaningful Fathers’ Day in which you experience the love and appreciation you deserve. And if you get gifts, I hope they’re something you actually like.
bleatmop
Mystro
Dead Wild Roses 
5 comments
June 19, 2011 at 7:48 am
flaarnsturgen
On behalf of non-stereotypical dads everywhere, thanks for the rant. A child working to right the wrongs of the world is by far the best Fathers’ Day gift any of us could ask for. Not to sound way too smarmy….
f.
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June 19, 2011 at 9:17 am
MoS
Oh great, it’s that day again. How depressing. Mother’s Day – a card absolutely, possibly chocolates or a nice scarf, a visit and then out to brunch or dinner. Fathers’ Day? Get out and mow the lawn. Now! I so wish the whole thing could somehow be officially canceled.
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June 19, 2011 at 11:36 am
Alan Scott
The Intransigent One ,
I have mixed feelings about your comment . I get your point about the way the TV and Retail powers of society have set the norms for the holiday or why we even need another holiday . I agree that Tim Taylor and Homer Simpson are not the examples of Fatherhood that are the norm or even that there is a norm .
My point is that you can just ignore society’s idea of Fatherhood and celebrate or not however you want . To me Fatherhood is a moral presence in the lives of your children . That can be physical, financial, or whatever you choose it to be . Most Fathers are happiest with a phone call on Father’s Day that just says ” hi ” , which acknowledges all of the crap they put up with to get you to adulthood .
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June 20, 2011 at 6:23 pm
Vern R. Kaine
“None of the above makes him less of a real man, or inadequate as a father. I’d like to take this moment to send a shout-out to all the men, fathers in particular, who don’t quite fit in the hypermasculine heteronormative box.”
Allow me to join in your shout-out? There are “fathers”, and then there are “Dads.” Dads deserve all you’ve mentioned and I hope your Dad enjoyed a very happy Father’s Day. It’s interesting what you say about the “hypermasculine heteronormative box”. My Dad would fit into that category in a number of respects, but the cliche gifts of ties, socks, etc. are actually more of a laughing point than they are a trophy to his hypermasculine ways (we try to get him the tackiest tie and socks possible every year!)
The real gifts to him are the calls he receives first thing in the morning, the dinner he receives later in the day, and the time he can spend being proud of his four children in-between.
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June 21, 2011 at 8:27 am
The Intransigent One
“The real gifts to him are the calls he receives first thing in the morning, the dinner he receives later in the day, and the time he can spend being proud of his four children in-between.”
I got a little misty-eyed about that. I’m very happy for you and your Dad.
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