*In the style of the most stereotypical evangelical sermon voice you can imagine
**congregation responses in red

Brothers and Sisters! As I was perusing the web the other day, I heard a disturbing sound!


I SAID As I was perusing the web the other day, I HEARD a DISTURBING sound!


It was the sound of a THOUSAND “believers” promoting the power of PRAY-YER!

*Have Mercy!

The power of prayer? Never before have I heard such a hay-EEN-ous notion!

*Yes, Reverend!

Do they not KNOW God is eternal?


Do they not KNOW the Almighty is ALLLL-Knowing?

*Tell it!

Do they not know that there is a MA-ster plan, greater than the summation of ALL mortal desires and understanding?

*I can feel it, Lord!

You see Brothers and Sisters, –pass the plate around– God has a plan, and as it is God’s plan, it is the greatest plan. And as it is the greatest plan, it stands that any other plan must be lesser, worse, sinful, and unacceptable to the perfect grace that is our Lord!

People promoting the power of prayer do not accept this. They think that God is some wishy-washy, uncertain, fallible, dough-head, just like themselves.
They think that God, upon hearing a prayer will say “Y’know, I did have my Divine plan that took into consideration ever fact, event, and possibility in the natural and supernatural universe, but that Steve from Delburne just prayed and suggested I do things differently. A good thing too. I was so sure I was right, but now that Steve has prayed to me, I can see that his way is better than Mine. I will now alter My plan, that I’ve had for all of eternity and perfected to a degree beyond human comprehension, to more line up with the wishes of Steve.”

What arrogance!


What Hubris!


What Shim-shaming Flimflammery!


I can imagine NO greater SIN than to put yourself above All Glorious and Estimably Hallowed God, thinking that YOUR plans should supersede His. Same goes for “Blessing” things too, or any other request of God, whatever! To think we know better than God how much Grace ought to be dispensed to this, that, and whomever. This BLASPHEMOUS  notion that us wretched and insignificant beings could come up with a better plan than God defies all manner of humility, decency, and logical consistency. For Shame!

*Disapproving murmur

These Peddlers of Prayer go on to say that it is a method with which to communicate with God. Communicate with God? What can a finite being possibly tell an entity that knows absolutely everything?

Absolutely nothing, that’s what!

Anything you will ever think or do, God knew you were going to think it and do it before Time began, and you think you need to show or tell God things? HE KNOWS!

What can we take from all this, Brothers and Sisters? Everything out of your control is a part of God’s great plan. If your stocks go bust and you become destitute, Rejoice! for God knows it is the best thing that can possibly happen to you. If your loved ones get severely ill and start throwing up buckets of blood, Celebrate! for God’s plan must be the best possible plan. If your child is kidnapped, tortured, and raped, be thankful that your offspring got to be such an important part of God’s awesome plan.

Praying for answers, advice, or changes just shows that you are unwilling to accept the perfectness of God’s divine plan.

A divine plan, by the way, which is meant to be delivered to you via me, but me, being a finite sole myself, requires funds.

So, Brothers and Sisters, stop praying, and start giving me money. It’s God’s Plan!

*AMEN, Take my money, please!