“I think the weirdest thing about having teenaged boys yell: “suck my dick bitch.” at me is that there’s nothing I can say to them that will make them feel the way that makes me feel.
I have lived my entire life with this threat of sexual violence hanging over my head: I’ve experienced it too. They’re hitting me where I live.
Women can’t threaten men with sexual violence and make men feel small and want to crawl out of their own skin; it’s taken a lifetime of violent socialisation just like this (men leering out of cars since I was 12, peers reaching between my legs in junior high, uncles getting too close, sports coaches grabbing my hips, being groped on transit, being sexually assaulted) to provoke this visceral reaction in me. Men haven’t experienced this constant background radiation of violation that contextualises moment like this.
I get well-intended messages from men: “I’m sorry you had to experience that.” “Those kids are jerks.” I do appreciate people reaching out. The thing is: in the context of my life experiences, this wasn’t even a particularly traumatic incident, so much as an illustrative one. It’s one of thousands of these moments.
I made me sad and a little contemplative, sure, but I’ll get by; feminism really helps with that, because it gives me this (almost) unshakable belief that I am human.
But I don’t want to hear: “those [particular] kids are jerks.”
I want to hear: “I’m not going to tolerate misogyny in my own life, and among my social circle. This stops now; it stops with me.”
There is no threat I can make to a man that will make him hate the fact he was born in the body he was born in. The second I start thinking I’m a person, someone reminds me that to them, I’m just a hole. I’m a bitch. I actually can’t make them see I’m a person. That has to come from other men.
As I get older, I get more and more angry when men I know are hostile to feminism. Because it means they aren’t really listening, or even caring, when I describe the reality of my life. Feminism is my refuge, and the sole source of my belief that I’m not deserving of the way I’m treated. It is the only movement that has dared to put forth the radical belief that women are people.
I don’t even want to hurt the men who do things like this. I just want them to be kind. Yeah, I can carry my knife, or get a big dog in self defense, but I actually don’t have a lust for vengeance or causing people pain. That’s really the worst part of it: being better – being more human, more forgiving, more kind – than them, and still losing.”
The radical belief that women are people. The year, dear readers, is 2016. In your social circles if you see shit like this happen, don’t laugh it off, don’t ‘boys will be boys it’ – demand an end to the behaviour at once. If the push back is too great, the people you happen to be interacting with are telling you a great deal about how they regard one half of the human species, and more importantly strongly arguing against their continuing membership in your social circle.




11 comments
April 18, 2016 at 5:57 am
roughseasinthemed
It’s a very good point. Every day men say, ‘I’m not sexist, I support equality for women, don’t agree with discrimination, or violence against women’. And what do they do about it? a) join in b) ignore it because c) they certainly don’t call it out.
Part of it is due to ignorance. But that’s ignorance through choice. As usual, Teh Menz don’t listen to what women want them to do. They do what they want. As they’ve always done.
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April 18, 2016 at 7:00 am
carlalouise89
Reblogged this on The Melodramatic Confessions of Carla Louise.
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April 18, 2016 at 10:41 am
Sha'Tara
What is the ROOT CAUSE of misogyny? Nothing will ever be successfully accomplished, with or without feminism, until THAT is understood. To find a cure for any disease, you need to know its root cause, or causes. Otherwise, “take these pills and if they don’t do the trick, come and see me again next week. Next!”
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April 18, 2016 at 11:07 am
The Arbourist
@Sha’Tara
Welcome to DWR. :)
The ‘problem’ is that digging, finding, and identifying root causes of societal problems – by nature of the very process – leads to change(potential change) in said society.
The happy dudes that run our society are not about change, but rather maintenance of the status-quo, and the immense benefits it imbues upon them. :/
Hence the people who advocate for actual change in society are always swept to the margins and silenced where possible.
Almost like how much of liberal feminism works… the problem is never the system, but how you, the individual is working inside of it, if you’re feeling oppressed then obviously its *you* and your unwillingness to do the empowerful stuff that will makes things better for you the individual. :/
—–
Great comment btw, glad you could join us. :)
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April 18, 2016 at 12:06 pm
roughseasinthemed
Oooh, Arb. Nice one on liberal feminism. Want to go there a bit more? That’s a big one. Yey, equality, yey, pron, yey happy little sex workers, boo to GNC, yey to just looking like a woman. Sorry, flippant and irritated.
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April 18, 2016 at 1:21 pm
The Threat of Sexual Violence – Being Female in Society. | wwwpalfitness
[…] Source: The Threat of Sexual Violence – Being Female in Society. […]
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April 18, 2016 at 2:04 pm
The Arbourist
@RSitM
Being annoyed with male-friendly/sponsored/generally ineffective feminism is a-okay in these parts. :>
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April 18, 2016 at 2:19 pm
The Arbourist
@RSitM
I had a vet appointment and was unable to respond in timely manner. Sorry about that.
And there is the rub, no? Stopping a conversation with your friends and calling out the casual misogyny they use is socially awkward and hard to do. I went there with one of IRL friends, we have known each other for the better part of 40 years.
And it was hard.
He was like, “is this a joke?”. And the dour feminist that I am, I responded, “nope. That sort of language doesn’t fly when I’m around, and it shouldn’t when you’re around your friends as well.”
Silence.
Awkward. (The word in question was ‘bitch’)
I explained to him my reasoning (just like I did when I explained why I think texting at the dinner table is incredibly offensive) and he seemed to understand. The language has been much better ever since. So it can be done.
And really, how could it not be worth it in the long run?
I’m not sure that this sentiment can be spoken loudly or often enough. Sadly. :/ It would be nice if some of the more liberal feminist commentators would just take a chance and test the boundaries of their ‘truce’ with dudes. I’m fairly certain the results would be eye opening.
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April 19, 2016 at 5:42 am
roughseasinthemed
Some time ago, I took umbrage about some male blogger using the word bitchslap. I’m not sure which annoyed him more. A woman disagreeing with him, or, his views being challenged. Either way, we lost touch. I’m not impressed unless bitch is referring to our new rescue dog. Even more vet appts!
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April 19, 2016 at 8:29 am
The Arbourist
@RSitM
It behooves us to believe it when men show us what they are. :/
I hear you. I’m currently 1/3 done our furry friends visits . Spreading the visits out helps a little bit. :)
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April 19, 2016 at 9:48 am
roughseasinthemed
Arb, you’ve seen them oozing the priv on my blog. That’s life.
Vets? We just had a shed load of visits in a short time. Initial jab and chip, spay and final booster. Spay was the most difficult as we’ve never had a bitch before. She’d already had pups looking at her nipples. Not. Happening. Again.
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