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The Best Revenge is Living a Good Life.  (TW Rape, Child Abuse)

I am the only female child in my family of four children and I am the youngest. When people hear that, they often think of me as the spoiled little princess child. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I was sexually abused by two of my brothers and, eventually, my father as well. My abused started when I was young. Five or six, I can’t remember exactly. It started with molestation and without my saying no because I was little and I believed my brothers would never hurt me. But they did. Repeatedly. Night after night. Day after day. Things progressed to become more violent when I started saying no. Until one day, after I got home from school when I was 13, my brother raped me. Not the violent act most picture in their minds when they hear the word rape. By this time, I had become numb and would typically “zone out” when the abuse was happening.

My life changed that day. I became pregnant from the one incidence of rape. I am that statistic. I was young and didn’t have regular periods so I didn’t realize I was pregnant until my mother saw stretchmarks on my breasts.

You may wonder, “Where was your mother when all this was happening? Why didn’t you tell your mother?” I suppose deep down, I knew my mother would never “save” me. Her response to the fact that I was pregnant, by my brother, from rape, was to go into another room and cry hysterically while screaming, “My baby!” over and over again though never once coming to “her baby” to console me.

My father arranged for an abortion. I was in my second trimester at this point and had to go to a hospital for the procedure. When my parents “discovered” what my brothers had been doing, they kicked them out of our house. And then my father started waking me up for school in the mornings. He began molesting me.

I contacted Child Protective Services on my own behalf. I was placed in the first of two foster homes. My mother came to see me and, weeping, asked me, “How could you do this to our family?” Eventually, “we” went to trial and…eventually my father admitted his guilt. My brothers were never charged. “We” were sentenced to family counseling and I was told I would be placed in juvenile hall if I did not participate. Fourteen months later, the counselor proclaimed us “healed” and I was placed back into my parents custody. Yes, my father began molesting me again.

But the good news is, I grew older. I eventually moved away from their home. I got married. Got pregnant…

My life changed again. I became the mother to a little tiny princess. Four years later I was blessed with another tiny princess. Both beautiful and strong and everything my heart ever needed to heal. I was still in contact with my family at this point. Then the mother tiger in me was awakened. I had a birthday party for my oldest. I left the party for a few brief moments to get something I had forgotten. When I came back home, the birthday girl was nowhere to be seen. I asked my husband where she was and he said, “She’s in the backyard with your dad.” (Yes, my husband knew about what had happened to me.) I can’t even describe the utter horror, the panic, the fear that coursed through my veins. I found her in the backyard. She was fine. Nothing had happened but the guilt of exposing her to what I knew in my soul was a potential high risk changed me. I cut all ties with my family.

I tried for a while to keep in contact with my mother. Until the day my mother said to me on the phone, “When are you going to get over it?” This conversation took place 15 years ago and I can still hear the words as if they are still floating in the air. My response that day and still is… “How about never?”

This tragic tale may make you feel sorry for me or make it appear that my life has been horrible. I’m here today to share the tragedy but to also share the wonderful life I am living. Never forget, “THE BEST REVENGE IS LIVING A GOOD LIFE.” I am the mother of two gorgeous human beings who humble me and make me proud everyday. I have a fabulous job. I own my own home. I have three dogs who love me unconditionally. I am attending school while working. I go to concerts all the time. I go to the beach. I have a life that many of my friends envy and I know why they do! My happiness overruns constantly. I have a great life.

You will too. Live a good life. Smile. Laugh. Engage in the positive that is out there. Never ever ever feel that the sickness that hurt you defines who you are. You are a blessed child of this Universe and you were made for love. You were made for happiness. Seek it as often as you seek nourishment for your body. Don’t forget to nourish your soul.

I believe you.

It’s not your fault.

It was never your fault.

Love,
Leen