The following post has a higher than usual amount of profanity (for DWR, anyway). You have been warned.

Eating right is hard. Eating horribly wrong is so very easy. Are we all doomed to clogged arteries, pickled livers, and malnourished obese children? No! Thug Kitchen is here to save us all! What started as an awesome blog is now a cookbook with it’s own trailer!

What makes Thug Kitchen so special? There are lots of health cook books out there, but you may have noticed a slightly unusual tone in the trailer. From the Thug Kitchen FAQ section:

[Thug Kitchen] is here to help your narrow dietary mind explore some goddamn options so that you can look and feel like a fucking champ. We hope readers reconsider what kind of behaviors they attribute to people who try to eat healthy. Everyone deserves to feel a part of our push toward a healthier diet, not just people with disposable incomes who speak a certain way. So we’re here to help cut through the bullshit. Promoting accessibility and community are important as fuck here at Thug Kitchen. We’ve got a big table and everyone is welcome to it.

Busting up stereotypes, promoting a healthier society, inclusion of people at any income level, a healthy dose of humour, fantastic photography, and delicious food, there is so much here to love. I look forward to learning  more fantastic things from Thug Kitchen and I can’t thank them enough for what they do.

So now you’ve learned how to eat like you give a fuck. You’re a healthier you and a goddamn champ. You can’t wait to make more of this tasty, cheap, good-for-you food. But part of you figures you deserve a totally bad-for-you reward for all this progress. You’re damn right you do.

What follows is a recipe I learned from a friend of mine. It ain’t healthy, it ain’t vegan, but it’s damn delicious. Besides, I hear tell it’s one of our reader’s birthday this week, and you should be allowed to be a little naughty on your birthday. And honestly, one of the main reasons we strive to eat well is that so, on rare occasions, we can indulge in something completely horrible for us. So in honour of (and with many sincere apologies to) Thug Kitchen, I present:

The Definitely-NOT-From-Thug-Kitchen Skor Cake

Light, fluffy, creamy, and sweet, this cake is everything you should normally say ‘no’ to. But for a special occasion, this will make you the hero of the goddam day.

Shit you need:

1 big ass casserole dish (9 x 13)

1 angel food cake – bonus points if you bake that shit, but lets be honest, this thing is 18 different kinds of sugar and it’s not like you’ll be missing out on nutritional value by buying one.

Caramel sauce (can use ice cream topping, but bonus points for making it: cooking the hell out of a can of condensed milk is one of the easiest methods)

2 packets chocolate pudding mix (regular size packets; low fat/sugar mix works too)

4 1/2 cups milk (2% or skim)

a 500ml carton of whipping cream (can use cool whip too!!)
DO NOT use canned whipping cream! That shit turns back to liquid in a few hours!!!!

1-3 TBSP vanilla

4 TBSP white sugar (or to taste)

3-6 Skor bars (freeze overnight)

1 scary ass mallet (or hammer or rolling pin)

First thing you need to do is tear the shit out of that angel food cake. Once it’s reduced to itty bitty bite-sized bits, lay it evenly across the bottom of the casserole dish.

Next, take your caramel sauce and drizzle over the cake. If you just can’t get enough caramel, make it a thick layer. It’s your cake, do it up how you know it ought to be.

Now take your choco-pudding packets and make the pudding as directed, with an extra 1/2 cup of milk. This will make it creamy as fuck and that’s where the magic is. Once you have your orgasmically creamy chocolate pudding, spread it all over the cake and caramel so it’s even and smooth across the top. Cover that shit, and put the casserole in the freezer so it can chill the fuck out.

Put your whipping cream and generous shot of vanilla (or two generous shots if you’re a vanilla crazy mofo like myself) and a bit of extra sugar into a bowl. Whip the hell out of that mother fucker with a whisk or, iffin your all teched up, some electrical mixing device. When that shit holds a point when you pull your whisk out, you may consider your cream good and whipped. Pro tip: use glass or metal bowl, if you freeze your bowl beforehand the whipping goes faster and is more stable.

Take your frozen Skor bars, still in their wrapper, and lay them on your counter or cutting board. Take that scary ass mallet and beat the living shit out of those bars. Know that asshole at work who makes everything worse? Right now those bars are a voodoo doll of his ugly ass face. Go to fuckin’ town. Once you’re sure those bars are nothin’ but crumbs – and you’ve vented out all your violent urges, go and get your now super cool casserole.

Uncover that chill motherfucker and slather on a nice thick layer of whipped cream. Don’t hold back with that shit. This should just about fill your casserole to the top.

Last, open up those Skor bars. Be careful, or you’ll have an explosion of Skor bits on your hands and no one wants to clean that shit. Sprinkle that Skor faerie dust all over the top of the whipped cream.

And you’re done! Serve that shit chilled and watch your friends as they mouth-gasm all over your super sweet Skor cake.